I tried leaving a girl, with whom I was deeply in love, for IAS preparation. December is the peak time of placement season at IITs. I did not prepare for placements, didn’t brush up my skills because I was unrealistically aiming to crack IAS exam in first attempt itself. So I got placed with not-so-good salary at dnanA Automotives. I am from a very orthodox family. So ‘how many bucks you make?’ is a real big issue for everything. Respect, marriage, safety, false friends etc. Being first ever IITian from my hometown this was the time everyone from my hometown, my long extended family were waiting for. How many crores did he make it to? (Thanks to media 😛 ). Everyone wanted to have this to be the thing they would gossip about for next few days. But (un)fortunately it didn’t happen. No one offered me 1.5 crore INR (Thankfully). I felt ashamed thinking from my family’s perspective. I felt like I did not market (sold) myself properly. My parents started consoling me. That consolation was so painful and meaningless. I value many other things more than money. My job profile is good. Disheartening fact is that most of the people who worried about my salary have no idea about my health. Job profile was way out of picture. So… I was greeted like…“itnaa kam?. You won’t be able to save any money in a city!”
During this time I was going through break-up and huge pressure to crack IAS ASAP. I started studying and exploring coaching institutes. I did not like meeting people. Not at all. All I did was sat in a room alone and study. And also worrying about my girl because I was soon going to leave her(probably indefinitely). We had already started fighting as she had stopped talking to me properly. I deleted my Facebook account and sold my smart phone. Bought a simple phone with a music player and basic facilities. So…no whatsapp. I wrote a mail to her on 23rd December explaining everything and apologized to her. Things got really complicated. I lost my direction and felt like rudderless boat in the middle of Pacific. This image explains the situation …
I somehow managed to hide everything from my family members and keep a smile on my face…though I was already into depression. I pretended that I was all set and excited about my IAS preparation. My grand Dad did not have faith on me. Nor my father was confident about my preparation. Anyways I returned to college positively.
I stopped all other activities and started to force myself to prepare for IAS. Now Dad started forcing me to go for Indian Navy SSB Interview and to prepare for GATE. I half-heartedly started GATE preparation also. I was into oblivion. I started being jealous of everyone around me. I was like, ‘WHY MEE?’. Used to take out my frustration on walls. Poor walls. Life became listless, I went into ennui. No solid long-term aim and no realistic planning. The aim (IAS) that I had set soon started to appear like a pipe dream. I started questioning everything. Nothing came out spontaneously. Tried to motivate myself but the wall that was in front of me was appearing to be so so high that I gave up on life almost daily. I was ashamed of myself utterly. WTF did I do at IIT!!? Where people were enjoying their jobs, new universities I was into my downward spiral. I tried to read philosophies and tried to reason why all the things are happening to me. It was me, my problems and my pitiful life. I was STUCK.
During January I started having very ugly random and non-sense thoughts. Thoughts about violent sex, violence towards Kids, non-sense sexual thoughts about everything I came across. It was torturous 24*7. Yes I even used to have nightmares and wake up with sweat on my face. I was afraid of everything. Tried to avoid anything that triggered those thoughts. Life became tough. And tougher because I got no help from anyone because at outside I maintained smile and appeared to be healthy. I seemingly had no worries.
I started bending towards retirement. Yes retirement before having any career. I went into spirituality. Tried to tag everything worldly as meaningless just for validating to myself that whatever I was doing was OK. I used to watch Pravachans(preachings) delivered by Buddhist monks on YouTube. These videos used to give me reason to continue living. I was already feeling like an utter loser in life.
I was emotionally weak. This lead to physical weakness. Till that time I had not told about all this to anyone except Kuldeep and Aman.
I went to Bhopal and returned disappointed and much more depressed. I read a book ‘Life is what You make it’. This was a story of a person who had bi-polar disorder and how she manages to live a balanced life. I started feeling like I had bipolar disorder. I googled and many symptoms were matching. I was terrified. Really terrified because it is a lifelong disease with cycles of euphoria followed by extreme depression. This also gave me a hope that I would be happy again in future. Deep down I wanted to be diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder so that I can continue living in hope of some happiness in future.
Everything I used to read used to backfire on me. Even motivational videos. I was like..See everyone is doing something worthwhile and I am fucking up my life. I used to be jealous of even the person preaching me. That was pointless but it used to happen.
“You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.”
― Benjamin Mee
I used to get inspired by this quote. JUST DO IT. Jump off the cliff Na-man!
I was almost sure about giving up on IAS dream. I talked to my parents about it and told them that I was unable to focus even for 5 minutes on anything. I cannot prepare this way. I had already (shamefully) met my therapist Dr. Shikha Jain. So now it became a serious issue for my parents. She did not give me any medicines as of then. I was advised to do Yoga which I was already doing. I was so stressed all the time. All my energy was drained in useless thinking. Over-thinking.
Day after day it continued. I went deeper into the self-made pit. I wanted a solid reason to take the extreme step. I was so terrified of thinking about suicide. BUT I was suicidal.
I had already given up on my dreams. I was just adding days to my life. It seemed nothing more. I lost all my self-confidence and self-worth. I made a new Facebook account to remain engaged in something but soon it also became bothersome. Everyday seeing self glorifying posts of people made me even more depressed. Everyone is so amazing and I am this shit. B.Tech. Project and everything in which I had to give presentation seemed so burdening. I could not face people. I used to stammer which was not normal for me. My therapist tried to help me with academics but I hadn’t told her about the real problem I was going through. When I told her about my never-ending repetitive chain of non-sense sexual and violent thoughts, she advised me to meet a psychiatrist. During March I tried to reunite with Atihsra. She started playing with me because I had probably wronged her in the past. I was helpless. Days became tougher and tougher.
I anyhow gathered courage and pushed myself to keep moving no matter how slow. I lost all my efficiency and ability to smile spontaneously. I had to force smile. My voice became very shallow and weak. I had lump in my throat for months continuously. I started talking about my problems to my friends and started coming out of closet. Everyone used to think me as an ever-jolly person.. so being honest with them was difficult. Honestly, I was very sad. At my lowest. After very difficultly appearing for the end-sems I immediately left for home. I HATED Roorkee for everything.
I was sucked out and lost 4 kgs. I am already very skinny and I became even more bony. Again at home I had a lot of support but it did not solve the problem. I went to two popular psychiatrists. One diagnosed me with Bipolar-disorder based on my description of the thoughts and my life at IITR. Another diagnosed me with OCD. I started taking antidepressants on 15th May. Fluvoxamine. Many side effects but I am alive now ..that is the best thing about it. I pleaded to Atihsra to help me out of this. The day I confessed about my love for her she left me. She abandoned me. One night she even said “Fuck off” to me. That is the most painful moment of my life. I sobbed and slept. Day after day agony carried on. Around May end I started coming out of depression.
June 2015 :
I carried on. I was preparing myself for coming to Pune. My parents are very supportive though they are not very liberal. I cannot have philosophical discussions with them. But they LOVE me. I love them. I DO. I was all set for Pune though I was quite afraid. My repetitive thoughts started reducing and became comfortable with the thoughts that were already in the memory. I came to Pune on 29th June.
July 2015 :
I was still depressed and was recovering from romantic betrayal. She gave no FUCKS to my agony. I tried everything to explain her my situation. She did not help. Okay. I finally ‘moved on’ on August 11. I use humor as a weapon.
August 2015 :
Gradually my obsession with Atihsra started reducing and I started to detach after such a long time. I got engaged into creative stuff at my company. I started being busy. It was so liberating. Medicines helped in reducing the stress and hence i was able to divert my mind.
In the hindsight I am able to connect the dots and see reasons in whatever has happened. I don’t see my past as fortunate or unfortunate. It has happened and it has a reason. I have strong belief that “If your intent is good, eventually every fucking thing will fall in place’
I am still on medication but it is tapering down. If I don’t take meds for two days..it feels like my head is swimming. Dizziness. So I will come out gradually. Strongly.
“Step into the fire of self-discovery. This fire will not burn you, it will only burn what you are not.”
It burnt bad. And it still burns sometimes. But I am getting better. I live with this faith.